Mar 14, 2018 | By Suzanne Lassise

Dry Vs. Sober – What’s The Difference?

Personal Addiction Recovery Stories Recovery

One of the first things I learned about not drinking is that there is a huge difference between dry time Vs. being sober.

When you quit drinking you learn a lot about yourself, whether you were a big drinker or not. In my experience, no one who has a handle on their drinking ever thinks about quitting – like with most things in life, you know when you know. I knew I had a drinking problem long before I did anything about it. I would never be able to guarantee how much I would drink in a night, even when I would be a designated driver, I wouldn’t ask people what happened after a blackout to make it seem like I knew what happened, and I would drink a little in public so I could go home and drink heavily “without judgement’. Those were a few warning signs for me that I have found are quite common in people who quit drinking.

Sobriety Vs. Not Drinking

Another difference I learned throughout my recovery is that there is a huge difference between people who don’t drink and people who are sober. First of all, people who “don’t drink” typically can have an occasional drink here and there, and never, if rarely, get drunk. Great! That means you’re a normal drinker. Some people don’t drink and use other recreational drugs like Marijuana, which is totally fine, but once again, you’re not sober, you just prefer weed to drinking. It’s ok, and honestly makes sense, to prefer weed over booze. When I first quit drinking I immediately turned to weed, something I rarely used when I drank, because I still needed something to turn my brain off and take the edge off. That “once in a while” drug turned into as much as I could, everyday, no questions asked. Once again, I didn’t have a drop of alcohol, but I was certainly not a sober person.

So that leads us into what really is the difference if you actually don’t drink at all, don’t do drugs – you are certainly a technically sober person, but the argument that lies here is that if you are not practicing the principals of recovery regarding a program, you are not living a sober lifestyle. I know that this may be annoying or come across preachy, I certainly felt annoyed when sober people would be all HAPPY and stuff when I was miserable and not drinking just like they were! What are they doing that I’m not? Well, honestly, they are doing a lot of things that you probably aren’t doing.

Clean Vs. Sober

Recovery via the Anonymous programs may come across very overwhelming and intense, and they definitely are a lot to handle at first. It is advised to go in with an open mind and to be willing to do what is suggested, no matter what. Now, the suggestions sometimes come across as demands, but no one is ever forcing you to do anything you don’t want to do – the power of the program is that you learn that these suggestions make your life better, and in turn supplement your cravings for drugs and alcohol. These cravings are not always physical – I know I never had shakes or physical cravings, but I know I always had an excuse to drink. Good news, have a drink. Bad news, have a drink. Bad day, have a drink. Good day, celebrate with drinks! Everything needed a drink to make it better. Sobriety and working a Program helps you learn how to celebrate and feel good for that good news, without a substance. Sobriety does the unthinkable, and makes you handle a bad day, ride it out, and even come out of the bad day a better person. When I didn’t drink, I had plenty of bad days, and although I didn’t drink, I would isolate myself from people, I would stay up all night watching TV, and would do anything to avoid spreading my venom to others. I am sure I made my toxic thoughts other people’s problems but I tried very hard to not bother people with my issues, because “no one” understood how I felt. Once you go into the rooms and share one time, you quickly realize you are so not alone. You are pretty basic, even average! It’s an incredible relief to know I am not a horrible person, I made mistakes but the world moved on, and I can in turn make myself a better person to avoid hurting others in the future.

Not drinking never taught me how to love people, despite their flaws. Not drinking never taught me how to handle bad days by helping others. Not drinking never taught me how to apologize for my character defects. Not drinking never even let me realize I had character defects. I never thought I was perfect, but I never realized how judgmental or critical I can be to others, because I was always that way to myself. Your thoughts become your actions, and your actions become your destiny. My wet brain (that’s an AA term for being dry but not in the program) was still really sick, and I would go to therapy, I would take meds, I would work out – all the things lifestyle blogs tell you to do, and I finally gained peace of mind by realizing I cannot be perfect, but I can be useful to other people. I never wanted to give other people my time and thought those who did were either on parole or doing it to “look good”. Talk about having a sick head! I even thought people doing good things were still bad people, and that is precisely the difference between me not drinking and me being sober.

Do You Belong?

I completely understand how scary AA or the Programs can be, and how it’s easy to think that if you aren’t drinking under a bridge, you don’t belong there. I sure didn’t think I belonged. But I also had nothing to lose, because I was too drunk and then too sick to earn anything to lose in the first place. I lived life frivolously because I simply had nothing and no one to answer to – which is a great part of single life, but can bring out a really selfish and self-seeking side of you that will get in the way of getting all that you want out of life.

I never really craved alcohol since I quit, but I would be miserable thinking I can’t drink or “have any fun” for the rest of my life. No fun because I can’t get black out drunk anymore! What a shame! Now I am present for events, I am understanding of what is going on, and, most importantly, I’m not hurting people nearly as much, because I am mindful of what comes out of my mouth. It has changed my aspirations in life and my relationships, but I am now getting along with people I always butt heads with for some odd reason, I am friendly with people I swore I never would talk to again, and I am not scared of people anymore.

Experiencing It Yourself

Although I truly appreciate the sentiment of people sharing with me that “they don’t really drink anymore”, and I am sincerely happy you have the ability to moderate your drinking, it does not mean we are having the same spiritual experience. I don’t feel insulted because people don’t know the ins and outs of sobriety, and we are taught not to be offended by people who just “don’t get it”. I didn’t get it until I worked the program either, so I have to remind myself that it’s a hard sell until you do it and experience it for yourself.

If you are ever wondering if you should step into the world of sobriety but are scared, I implore you to work with a sponsor and work the steps, and see how you feel. In my experience, I feel better spiritually than I have ever felt, my relationships, both toxic and friendly, are 100% better, and I feel safe because I have a connection with my higher power that I never thought was for me. I suggest to not let the “God” stuff scare you off, as it is truly not a religious program and there are no rules, just traditions and guidelines to help you be the best version of yourself.

How do you feel about Dry vs. Sober people? Do you notice a difference between not drinking and practicing the sober lifestyle? What scares you about being sober?