May 28, 2015 | By Tim Powers

The Importance Of Learning To Forgive

Family Resources for Addiction

Being a family member or a friend of an addict who is struggling is hell. Under the powerful sway of drugs and alcohol, an addicted loved one can do and say things that tear through your soul like a dagger. Drug addiction steals the spirit of the addict and will attempt to drag you down along with your loved one.

They lie to you, they cheat you, they play you off of others and lay to waste your sense of trust, love and dignity. When the addict enters treatment and has to face the music, or if the addict meets other consequences you can feel utterly exhausted mentally and spiritually.

If you are in this situation right now or have recent experience, you may wonder where to  even begin in starting to pick up the pieces. How do you learn to move forward with your own life and heal?

You must learn to forgive.

What is Forgiveness?

For those who have felt betrayed and ashamed by the actions of the addict in their lives, you have every right to feel the way you feel. You are deeply hurt, frustrated and pissed off–and that is OK. You need time to process and give voice to those emotions.

However, there is one thing you absolutely need to know; you must learn to forgive in order to truly move forward.

When you learn to forgive, you are accepting the reality of what happened and finding a way to live in a state of resolution with it.The process of forgiveness is gradual and can take months, even years to complete.

Ultimately, forgiveness is not centered on the person that has wronged you; forgiveness is centered on you.

Why Is It Hard to Forgive?

We know that we need to learn to forgive in order to move forward, but it can be really hard to do so. Your heart and mind may be filled with retribution and revenge, or you may not know how to resolve the situation effectively within yourself.

Additionally, you may find the “victim” mentality that comes with addiction hard to shake or you may be afraid to connect with the addict. The feelings associated with these reasons can be resolved by simply knowing what forgiveness truly means and knowing the steps to forgive.

To Learn How To Forgive, You Need to Know What Forgiveness Is Not

Oftentimes we have misunderstandings on the true meaning of forgiveness, and those misunderstandings makes us hesitant to engage. To get past those barriers, you have to understand what forgiveness is not:

• Forgiveness doesn’t mean you are pardoning or excusing the other person’s actions.
• Forgiveness doesn’t mean you need to tell the person that he or she is forgiven.
• Forgiveness doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have any more feelings about the situation.
• Forgiveness doesn’t mean there is nothing further to work out in the relationship or that everything is okay now.
• Forgiveness doesn’t mean you should forget the incident ever happened.
• Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to continue to include the person in your life.

What Do I Need to Do In Order to Forgive?

Learning to forgive is important, and learning to let go is necessary to move forward; how do you do it? First, you must be willing to forgive and that is mandatory. If there is unsettled feelings such as anger and pain, you must acknowledge and release that pain fully before starting the forgiveness process.

In order to forgive the addict in your life, you first must fully acknowledge and accept that “what happened, happened”. You must accept the reality of the event or events that have caused you pain and how it has affected your life.

Once you have done that you need to think about how those experiences and the lessons they taught you. How did you survive this and how has it made you stronger and wiser?

After that, you must look towards the addict and realize that, like all human beings, are flawed and can do things to others that are shameful. We must realize that the person that is addicted is a prisoner to their disease and they need to work on themselves and do the heavy lifting in order to get better and get right.

Most importantly, you must say or express “I forgive you”. You can find your own way to tell that to an addicted loved one and you don’t have to give a lot of explanation. Express it and move forward. Don’t expect the addict to reach out first to make amends.

Give yourself time. Learn about addiction, and if you need help to process your feelings seek help. By learning to forgive you are taking care of yourself and honoring yourself.