Sober Since: 11 / 15 / 2014
Sober For: 7 Years & 19 Days
What it was like?
The first drug I ever did was cocaine, I was 12. I had issues with my mother, she was bi polar and schizophrenic. I also had self esteem issues. Not too long after, I turned 13 and drank for the first time. I chugged vodka thinking it was the same as beer, I blacked out within 30 minutes. I remember feeling weightless, happy, pretty. My friend told me they had to drag me out of the kitchen because I was stealing her dad's alcohol. I was in a black out but still wanted more. That became the drunk Kaitlyn every time I drank, up until the day I stopped. When I was 15, my mother committed suicide. My whole world fell apart. I drank a whole bottle that night and couldn't get drunk. I was numb and in shock. Drinking and drugs became my way of trying to not feel. After high school I drank heavily, it became all day every day. I drank on the way to work, at work, after work, holidays, bad days, days off. It did not matter, as long as I was drinking or had drugs. I started noticing the shakes, the sweats, the withdrawal of alcohol. I started using cocaine and ecstasy heavily then. I was the "life of the party." At a party I was introduced to meth. And I used meth to get off alcohol. I started the cycle of addiction all over again with a different substance. I began to shoot it up. I lived in my car because I couldn't go to my dad's on drugs. I was 19. I then switched to heroin. I immediately began shooting it up. I was able to get off meth but now had a whole new set of problems. Heroin withdrawal... I had had enough of the drugs. I went to Texas where I knew I couldn't find drugs, and got off heroin out there. I went back home and went to AA, I didn't get a sponsor or work any steps. So therefore the outcome wasn't good. I thought, "Great, I am just a drug addict not an alcoholic." And stopped going to meetings.
3 years went by of getting black out drunk, making bad decisions, and getting myself into dangerous situations. Trying everything possible to convince myself I was not an alcoholic. November of 2014 I was at a bar, a friend beat me up and I had 2 black eyes. I blacked out and woke up naked in an old man's bed. I was 22 years old. I did not know him or know where I was. I walked about a mile down the road to a bar and found my car. I later learned that the man waited for my friend to go to the bathroom and he took me. I was raped. I cried to my friend and she laughed. She said, "It's not funny, I'm just not surprised." I will always remember those words and how it made me feel. She was right. And I went to an AA meeting that night. I remember being very shaky, had so much anxiety, and was the only person sweating. I felt ashamed. After the meeting I talked to a woman who later became my sponsor. She gave me her experience, strength, and hope. After awhile AA became my second home. I realized and admitted I was not only a drug addict I was also an alcoholic.
What it is like now?
I don't talk to or associate myself with the people I used to. I was able to make amends with my family, not only with my words but with action. I got a sponsor and worked the steps and did what everyone told me, and it worked. I have since gained an incredible relationship with my higher power. I sponsor other women. I am able to get through the tough times without drugs or alcohol. I was able to see when I needed outside help with therapy, and actually be able to work through therapy. I have a daughter who has never seen me drink and I pray that it will always be that way. It's not always unicorns and rainbows, it actually never is. We do not live in a fantasy land that is always perfect. And I learned to accept that and smile through that, and that is what I believe true Serenity is.