What it was like?

In the end it was a living hell. Convinced my family was better off without me, but, didn't have the guts to kill myself. Had no where else to go.

What happened?

A friend, Chris, the first person I knew that had my same affliction, went to AA. Sadly, it didn't stick with him, and he's no longer with us. Chris, and then others encouraged me to keep coming. In the beginning I went to meetings drunk or high. Basically an excuse to pacify my wife and get out of the house. I was in the process of destroying my 3rd marriage and all by age 44. Had lost a 2nd high powered, high paying job, and all my cheating had come to light. A $3600 mortgage on a house I would ultimately lose at about 1 sober. I was blown away by what I heard. Many times in the beginning sobbing in the back row. And although, I could stop drinking and drugging, the honesty in the halls kept drawing me back. I distinctly remember telling this guy Peter the painter, after a meeting one night that I felt like a shitbag because I was getting high before he'd pick me up. (Of course him knew or suspected but said nothing). Pete just said that's ok,... pick you up tomorrow? I am so grateful for him and so many others that came before me. Little by slow I was learning to out myself and get honest. Their kindness was unbelievable. They loved me long before I could even fathom loving myself. You people spoke a language I never heard before. I was a smart guy. Corporate sales, high level stuff. Recruited from a self created business that was thriving in New England. We had 49 employees and clients from Harvard to Partners Healthcare. I was an ego maniac with an inferiority complex. When I first heard that in the halls I laughed, because it described me to a "T". But, because I was so smart, or thought I was so much smarter than you all, it took me a while longer. I banged my head, trying to do it "my way" for about 11 months, mostly 6 days and out, 6 days and out. The most was 59 days... But, again, knowing #1. I had no where else to go, and #2. So grateful for all you loving generous people who spoke that funny language that kept drawing me back to meetings. Finally, I was ready, after 11 months, ready to surrender. I had observed enough, and absorbed enough to know that if there was a chance, which I still didn't fully believe, the only way to know was to give it my all. I approached 3 old timers and said I need someone to take me by the had a lead me through is program, and that I was ready to, not pick and choose how I'd do it, but, to do it as it laid out. All in. First question I got was; have you gotten on your knees yet and prayed. Of course, I hadn't. No I said. Welp... and that's where my journey really started. Nothing had changed UNTIL is started praying. Now, being stuck in the the thought that I had to do good first before God would even listen to me was an obstacle. Counter to the concept (and reality) of GRACE, which, is a free gift available to anyone. Took me a bit to grasp this because it didn't make sense. How could I or anyone not worthy of something, get it, for free no less. Didn't compute. My self-loathing at an all time high and self-worth an all time low. The mind is a terrible thing to overcome. Stinking thinking. Nevertheless I prayed to be given the desire to stop drinking. Because I really didn't think it was even possible, I couldn't even pray for help to stop. Had to pray for the desire. Also, to be a better husband, father, employee etc. In the morning and every night. I held on by a strand every morning at 6:30 waiting for the first car to roll into the lot where my meeting was. Most days a sooner, then a night meeting. Shortly after I started stringing days, then 30, 60, 90 I started picking up a guy who had my same date; my brother from another mother Darryl. Love this guy. Friends for approaching 19 years; both sober. As I previously mentioned, as I was approaching a year, the wake of financial destruction finally caught up with us and could no longer keep the house. It has auctioned off, filed for bankruptcy AND, had a little problem with the IRS to the tune of approximately $88,000, which you cannot include in bankruptcy. I believe my wife and I still weren't sleeping in the same bed. Her with one dog, me with the other. Shortly there after I started an AWOL. A group format of doing the steps. As laid out in the big book. Spent a year doing this which got me through my 4th step, thoroughly. Then did my 5th step with my sponsor, then prepped and prayed and prepped and prayed through 6,7,8 and marked on Step 9. During this time my wife and I started counseling with a wonderful grandfatherly type of Christian counselor who had a deep understanding of the disease and the 12 steps. Another blessing in our lives. In addition to now making payments to the IRS.(what ended up being 7 years before the letter of release). About the 4 year mark I got my first sponsee: George, who is still sober today. The next 14 years which included getting out from under the IRS, buying a home, and achieving a credit rating I never though possible also came with a number of events that would crush most. But, my faith in God and the support of my sober family has sustained us in a way I could never imagine. 12 years ago my nephew Michael, my sisters only child, died of a drug overdose. Michael was in the halls, for a short time, but, was young, and thought he was invincible. Shortly there after I had to get L5-S1 spinal fusion w/hardware. Transitioned from pain pills 7 days after to 800mg ibuprofen by, having a plan. Then, i got diagnosed with prostate cancer and had to have surgery again. Then my wife got diagnosed with MS. Each time we were hit with something, we clung to our faith and stayed close to "our peeps". The relationships we have today are friendships based in all that is truly good, healthy and positive. 6 years ago my brother-in-law died at my eldest son's house while they were both doing Fentanyl laced coke. My brother-in-law Brian was in and out of the halls. 3 years ago, that son, my eldest died from the disease of alcoholism. Bled to death internally. Ugly ending. And a little over 18 months ago, my younger son, Michael, committed suicide. I am numb. I had to go to Colorado to collect his things and take care of business. I was accompanied by a long time friend from the program who literally carried me through the week. I cannot put into words what Dan did for me. I could never ever payback what has given to me. Ever.

What it is like now?

My wife and I have a good life, in spite of all the tragedy and hardship. It's only by the Grace of God and the fellowship. Period. I'm gonna keep coming. I got nothing left but my story. I don't have to drink or drug over anything. Period.

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