Sober Since: 08 / 20 / 2012
Sober For: 7 Years & 110 Days
What it was like?
My first drunk was when I was 14. I loved how it made me feel. Numb. For years I drank to escape myself; my depression and anxiety and childhood trauma. For a long time I was a "high functioning alcoholic." In my 40s, my drinking escalated rapidly and I wanted to die. I no longer had control of my drinking and my behaviors. I was angry, resentful, judgmental, irritable. The amount I was drinking was taking an alarming toll on my physical, mental, spiritual and psychological health.
One night I had a "rock bottom" dream where I was being drowned in alcohol. I woke up feeling completely defeated. I was utterly exhausted from a life trying to control my drinking on my own. I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I decided I would go to a 12 - step recovery meeting.
What it is like now?
It is so hard to put into words just how much my life changed for the better and how good I feel. When I started the program of recovery with other recovering alcoholics, I thought I would be taught how to control my drinking. What I learned is that I had a mental obsession to drink and as soon as I had just one sip, my compulsion to keep drinking was endless (until I passed out). I learned that my drinking was not the problem, rather, my thinking was the problem. I learned I could not get or stay sober alone. I needed a community to support me. My life today is amazing now!! It is easier, calmer and free of chaos and drama. I have healed relationships and I feel proud of the person I have become, the decisions I make and how I treat others and myself. I love helping others now. I am not so self absorbed, but I will never be perfect. I am a work in progress. Life still happens, but I am able to handle problems that used to baffle me and I have faith that things will work out as long as I stay committed to my 12 step program.