What it was like?

I have been a crystal meth addict since the age of 19. Coke alcohol and weed were always a factor before that but nothing really took my soul until I met Crystal meth. I spent my entire 20s in a room isolating myself from the world and from family and loved ones breaking relationships and pushing away the people that loved me and pulling in the people that didn’t, every day. I truly believe that that drug has a demonic force to it considering the fact that you even fast for the devil as you go on days and weeks without even eating. You hold nothing but resentment and anger worry and fear the entire time which is all sent from what I believe is not God. I had four different restraining orders on four different ex-boyfriend‘s for physical abuse. I was raped twice. I attempted suicide three times every time it seemed that the drug didn’t work and I would wake up just a couple hours later Wide awake and angry at the fact that I didn’t successfully take my own life. What I didn’t see is that God had a plan for me…

What happened?

When it all changed was May 2019 when I found out that I was six weeks pregnant after being told that I was in fertile since the age of 14 due to me recovering from early signs of cervical cancer. I had never seen a positive pregnancy test throughout my life, EVER, I had never had the scare of being pregnant. That had never happened for me, but when I was attempting to plan my own suicide in May 2019 I had been three months late on my period and Planned Parenthood had recently said it was probably due to stress when I originally got tested and it came out negative so they said to come back three weeks later because it could be too soon to tell. That three weeks later was May 13, 2019. I was shockingly told that I was six weeks pregnant! Man it’s crazy how life works because I was planning to take my life on May 19, 2019 that following week. I was living in a red roof hotel living on nothing but crystal meth and Jameson whiskey. Just me and my pitbull dog making it day by day. I had found him an owner to take ownership on my planned suicide date but when I was told that I was six weeks pregnant on May 13 which was exactly 7 days before my plan to commit suicide date everything changed! I finally had a reason to live. God GAVE ME A reason to live! I would always say that if I could just have a kid I could stay clean but what I failed to realize was that no amount of love for your kid can keep you sober you have to want it for yourself as I struggled with my 1st rehab during my pregnancy, stayed clean Until my baby was born, went back into my 2nd rehab when my baby was seven months old, got out and shortly moved into a soberliving for one year. And then attempted my 3rd time in rehab after I got on my knees and begged God to save me! To please help me with his miraculous ways to give me the strength to stay clean for good this time. Today I am five months sober and this is the longest I’ve ever had in my life. When I say sober that consists of EVERYTHING! Drugs, alcohol and sex. I include sex in my recovery because I am on this new walk with Christ where I want to save myself for marriage like he asked us to do in the Bible. All of the years that I spent sinning I did not realize I was doing everything that God did not approve of and that is somebody I do not want to let down or disappoint when he comes back because he is who has saved my life multiple times and who has also sent me a baby the one thing I have always wanted all of my life! Five months might not seem like a long time to you, but it is to me and it’s going to stay getting longer until the day God calls me home because God deserves for me to live sober minded, clean and coherent for him.

What it is like now?

What is like now is happiness. Pure genuine joy every day that I wake up next to my daughter. She will never know that mommy had to struggle during her first years of birth because by the time she’s able to know the world she will know that mommy is always there and mommy is always present minded and mommy is always happy. Mommy is home every night and mommy is home every morning. My days consist of AA meetings, working with my sponsor and doing the steps, going to school of ministry. And going to church. I’m doing everything I can to stay clean and walk with Christ because I deserve it. I no longer say that I’m doing this for my kid. I am doing this for me.

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