“Rock bottom became the solid foundation upon which I rebuilt my life.” ~ J.K. Rowling
The Reason I Drank Alcohol
At some point we have to ask ourselves a very personal question about how much alcohol we are drinking on a daily basis. The answer will be different for everyone as will the excuses as to why we are drinking so much. My question was, “will you allow alcohol to kill you?” The answer was an emphatic and resounding, “NO!” How I got the answer was harsh, but what happened was absolutely necessary to drive the message deep into the part of my soul that needed relief from a festering spiritual sickness that fueled my insane relationship with alcohol.
Spiritual bankruptcy was the messy result of my life experiences. Those painful experiences, left untreated, allowed a soul sickness to run loose within my mind, body and soul. When you looked at me, I didn’t look sick, addicted, restless, irritable or discontent. From the outside, I looked like a successful mother, wife, career woman, school volunteer and friend to many. What you couldn’t see was the darkness that was inside of me. The nagging voice that was conducting the show from behind the curtain did whatever it took to mask the symptoms and keep my abuse and alcoholism hidden behind the veil of denial. That all worked until, it didn’t.
What Happened at Rock Bottom
The date was April 3, 2011. It was a typical family Sunday that started off at the beach. The sky was bright and beautiful. Since I was a child, the beach was the place I chose as an escape from my feelings of doom and gloom. But on this day, it was different. One moment I could see the sun and then, in an instant, a dark nothingness overrode every circuit panel controlling my mind. All systems failure. The alarm sounded and the only thing I knew to do to escape was drink and drink heavily. That day my soul was empty and thirsty. Nothing could not fill it. At all costs, I was going to gain control of this mental beast and take back my power. I drank and drank and drank until I was lost in a dangerous and near deadly blackout.
How I Was Set Free
Twenty-three hours later, I had arrived in hell. I was face first on hard cold concrete which I would come to know as my rock bottom. It was there, alone, in a puddle of my own vomit clinging to life that I had to come to terms with my choices. The position of my body in relation to the true stench of denial resonated with the part of me that said, enough is enough. At that moment, I surrendered to the forces that had my undivided attention. All of my pain, shame, denial, self-pity, self-loathing and hopelessness were right under my nose. I cried like I have never cried before. Finally, I was done. The only thing left to do was look up, rise up, and face the “cold hard reality” of where I was. In that moment a source of love and light gave me the spark of hope that I needed to get up and seek help. One day at a time I took steps baby steps forward, hand in hand, with those who knew how to stay sober and live sober.
What Sober Life Is Like Now
I am now celebrating nine continuous years of sobriety. The steps I had to take from that puddle of despair have not been easy. If I was to live beyond the pain, I had to engage my soul strength and do my part in my recovery. From that day on I showed up for everything including trauma therapy coupled with working the steps. I did the work required of me to get better and stronger. I also had to show up for myself and my children in ways that I did not think were possible. They say, “You don’t know how strong you are until you are tested.” Well, I was not only tested, my whole being was put to the test. That may sound overly dramatic to those who haven’t wrestled with the beast of addiction, but nothing is more accurate than calling it an unbiased serial soul killer.
For me, AA and a 12-Step program were the channels for me to hear hope through the static of addiction. In this sober curious age, it is very important to take the road that leads you back home to yourself. There is no right way, only the way that speaks to your soul.
Being Part of the Sober/Alcohol Free Collective Consciousness
Many of us are awakening to the sober/clean collective consciousness that is rising. The veil has been lifted and many are helping to end the stigma and shame around asking for help with addiction, substance abuse, mental health challenges. It is now common to bond over pain that once kept many of us from embracing our souls’ truth.
Those who continually choose to be open and vulnerable are changing the world right along with everyone else who chooses to be part of the solution. When you feel overwhelmed and think, “I can’t do this,” turn to those who have already opened their hearts to us. We are brothers, sisters, moms, dads, sons and daughters, aunts and uncles, and grandparents. We are friends, foes, acquaintances, homemakers, professionals and celebrities and we are all trying to do what we can to heal our pain and move beyond our demons.
There have been so many sober souls that have helped me build the solid foundation on which I have built my career as an advocate for the voiceless, a sober author and a content creator of all things spiritually fit and stone cold sober. I give back by passing the baton of sobriety forward. I must carry the message to those who still suffer. My alcoholism drove me to rock bottom and I feel it is so important to share about wonderful it is to be free.