What it was like?

Growing up, I was always hyper aware of what others thought of me. I believe this was a symptom of alcoholism in my family and trauma. I would go to school and get yelled at by teachers and bullied by other kids and then I’d go home and get yelled at by my mom. I felt worthless, fat, ugly, dumb. For me, the negative self talk started as early as grade 3 (8 years old). Growing up around excessive alcoholism caused me to think that drinking was a normal way to escape reality and the only way to have fun or celebrate.

What happened?

I kept thinking, maybe after I graduate high school and get a job I will stop drinking to excess or maybe after I find someone to love me, or after I graduate university, or after marriage or after having children, etc etc etc. Unfortunately none of those accomplishments cured my alcoholism or filled the god size hole inside of me- rather they made me feel more and more guilty. For example: How can I put my kids through exactly what I went through when I promised I would never do what was done to me? When my daughter was 2 I had finally convinced myself that she would be so much better off without me and that I should end my life. I knew then how serious my addiction to alcohol had become- I no longer was only hurting myself, I was now hurting my husband (by constantly betraying him) and my daughter (by pawning her off on weekends so I could go out and drink until 2-5am with complete strangers). Long story short, I would try to convince myself that because I only drank on weekends that I didn’t have a problem- but it was the things I did and said and the way I acted on the weekend that I couldn’t live with. From Sunday- Friday I would feel like absolute shit about myself and would gossip, tear others down and beat myself up for the whole week until I could drink again. I would go into each night of drinking and promise myself that I wouldn’t drive, go home with someone, that I would only have 2 drinks, etc. And every single time I would lose control and do horrible things that my sober self would have to deal with the next day. I was never present and I was not living the life I was meant to live.

What it is like now?

I am free! I am still learning to live on life’s terms every single day, but I am so proud of the person I have become and all the hard work I’ve done to achieve 3 and a half years of sobriety. I am a conscious parent, friend, wife, daughter. I make amends right away. I am known as the positive person at work! I have come so far and I have AA and all of the amazing people who share their stories online, at meetings and over tea to thank. “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results” is a quote that I continuously revisit in order to continue to grow and learn and stay sober. Thank you for your account- it helps me every day see that there are so many other people out there like me that are choosing themselves in order to make the world a better place. I know I’m not alone today- which is all I ever felt before getting sober.

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