What it was like?

Deciding to choose a life of sobriety is one of the greatest decisions I will ever make. I am going on two months clean after relapsing, when going on 11 months clean. Its still hard, the detox, the cravings, seeing sharps and even just missing the needle. It's not a lifestyle I'd wish on my worst enemy.

What happened?

In 2015 I was going on 11 months clean from benzos. I suffer from an anxiety disorder. So my doctor prescribed me xanax.i became addicted to the pill. So I started my life of sobriety. Well 2015, my bank files a judgement against me for hot checks. Even though I was clean, I was not living an honest lifestyle, I was surrounded with criminals and was always looking for a quick way to the top. This caused me to almost serve up to 150+ days in jail. I went flat broke, and my mom, (Whom I was living with at the time, due to a bad break up with my girlfriend. I lost my apartment.) So anyways, She kicked me out of the house. I also quit my job. I sank into severe depression. I was living with my grandparents in their back room working in the kitchen at Mcdonalds. Well, my only go to at this point instead of asking for help, One night before I got off work, I relapsed and popped 3/2mg Xans from a coworker. I crashed my car into a ditch on the way home. So my grandfather started taking me to work everyday. And my paychecks were going to the bank's lawyer to settle my debt. I never saw any of that money. I started back on xans and attempted suicide January of 2016. Well, after a failed suicide attempt, a girl in Tulsa heard about it on facebook. So she started talking to me. We grew a connection to each other and that same month I moved to Tulsa, Oklahoma where I would eventually get married. During this ENTIRE time I managed to hide my addiction from EVERYBODY. It was simple pop one in the Wal-Mart parking lot while grocery shopping, or before I would get in the shower. Well, it only increased the severity of my depression, we fought constantly and I cheated which caused our marriage to fail. I moved out and into some junkie apartments where I began using heroin, coke and PCP. I couldn't hold a job and started bouncing around, living in different places. In May of 2018 I woke up to the mirror and saw a self made monster. My family was disappointed in me, I was a skeleton and lost all the color in my face. I looked like a Tim Burton Character. I was living in the living room of an apartment in the ghetto. No bed, barely any clothes and I would go days without food. I finally decided to move back to Arkansas. I now have to eat a specialized diet, drink only certain things and I can't even snack around because my body is too damaged from the drugs. My mind will never be the same again.

What it is like now?

I feel amazing two months clean and I'm on the right path, my family and I are on great terms now, I have an absolutely beautiful life, and although that inner addict is still there, waiting for me, I've been to Heroin Hell, and I will never EVER take my sobriety for granted again. Life is too beautiful and too short to live it high. "My first drug dealer was a doctor."

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