Michael F

I started drinking as an alcoholic when I was 16. Drinking whiskey and coke became the normal when I came home from school. My disease was extremely progressive. By the time I was 19, I was sometimes having up to 30 drinks in a night. I was totally obsessed with alcohol. Once I would have it in my possession, I would have to take pictures of it and admire it.

At 19, I started having intense anxiety the day after drinking. The day after drinking anxiety (or as I would call it, D.A.D.A) would be so debilitating that I could barely leave my room. I became agoraphobic. A week before my 20th birthday I landed in the E.R. after having a six hour panic attack that was induced by alcohol. I picked up again 6 weeks later. After spending the next year drinking on and off, and trying to control it, I fell back into the daily drinking when I failed out of college. At this point, most mornings I was waking up with a wet bed. I was a shell of a human being. I would start to withdrawal if I skipped a day. 7 weeks after my 21st birthday, I had rapidly tapered off an antidepressant (prescribed to control my D.A.D.A) and was dry from alcohol for a few days. The impending calamity struck. Intense withdrawal kicked in. I literally was losing my mind, and the only clear thought that passed through my brain was to go to AA. I believe this thought was planted there by God.

Today, I have the joy of being a father to a baby girl. Six months ago I started working at a recovery house for teenage guys. Recently, I’ve taken up my old passion for drumming, and have the privilege of playing at church. I actually enjoy things again. My life doesn’t revolve around getting trashed, manipulating others, and loving chaos. I have a new playground with new playmates. I have slowly but surely been more comfortable in my skin, and am not embarrassed about who I am. My life today is about being part of the human experience, and that includes feeling everything. It’s not always easy, my mind sometimes wants the easy way out, but I have a new solution these days.