Sober Since: 02 / 23 / 2008
Sober For: 14 Years & 91 Days
What it was like?
I had to go to treatment twice, the second time was way better and more in depth about my issues with life and alc drug use
I believe I was born addict/alcoholic to a young mom (street level addict/alc) and a dad I've never met. I was put through foster care in uranium city when the mine shut down and forced everyone to evacuated foster family adopted me and left (they were given 2 options 1 to take me or 2 to leave me where it was unsafe) I never fit in always alone my mom was abusive in many ways but I believe it's because she didn't understand me...but it left me scarred. I started having supervised visits with my bio mom once she caught up with me. My adoptive family was very religious and my mom gave me this sense of freedom (wich I found out later was way worst than religious captivity) I started running away to party with my friends and tried to make my bio mom love me...I did a lot looking for love. I got pregnant when I was 16 had her when I was 17 lost her (gave her up for adoption because I had nothing to offer) drank in the streets till 18 then moved to somewhere I was legal bar age and hid out working in bars till I got pregnant at 22 when I knew life needed a change...a huge change. I picked up preg with nothing but a bag and moved to B.C. my daughter was 9mths old when the geographical move lost it's touch and I went out for what was supposed to be one night date. I married that guy and spiraled completely out of control to the point where I was now addicted to drugs I left him to go to treatment the first time. Married at 23 divorced 24 rehab 25. I was ok for a bit but thought smoking pot was ok, for me it is so not ok.. on my 27th bday I went to the pub for a drink and blacked out from Feb 7th till I finally got enough courage to go back to aa and do the work that needed to be done. By this time I had lost my second daughter to the ministry for the 2nd time and this was it, they were talking about adoption and for the first time in my life I experienced unconditional love from this tiny human I would give my life for her so I decided to abandon everything and everyone including myself for her...8.5yrs ago
What it is like now?
I still live in what I call Lilah-land. Sometimes I can't answer the phone, sometimes I still can't leave my house but I pick up the phone and reach out when I need help. I have good friends who understand me and love me who I have been able to let into my life. I have a relationship with my oldest daughter (the one I had given up) I got back my hero after a 3yr battle and I cherish her more than anything. I got married a second time to a guy in recovery (who ONLY smoked pot) well he left cause I wanted him to get honest cause he was getting more and more sick (prescription drugs...not prescribed to him). He said he didn't have a problem when it was clear to me (who talked to him daily) that he did. He fooled a lot of people and I looked like a horrible person. It was the hardest thing ever to have him to walk away it brought back all my abandonment issues into one (my bio parents, my adoptive parents, the over 40 foster homes who couldn't keep me) but it also forced me to see reality of people and not just who I made them out to be in my mind if I had only been different. I stayed close I went to more meetings than ever I talked I cried (my God did I cry) I seeked a power great her than myself I had faith, I believed, I healed. I met a man 2 November's ago he came into my work and was pretty persistent on taking me out. It took 3 months before I let him in and we talked of a family something we both wanted (turns out he has alc/addiction issues too I didn't know this but when he told me I knew where he could get help...of course I am attracted to him and him to me we understand each other ) he got clean over a yr ago I have never felt so much love from someone for showing him what I life in aa has taught me. Today we are together he has stepped up for my girl and we now have an 8 month old baby girl together who I pray daily never sees us drink/use...we have God sobriety, a family and more love for being given this chance to truely live. You know how I said I'd die for my hero...well I was dying and today I live for that amazing little girl♡ just thought I would add that I got back a relationship with my 2 little sisters and nieces and nephew that I missed out on so much of. It's the most amazing life I never thought possible