What it was like?

I had realized at a young age that I was immensely sad, always. A dark hole was inside me. When I found alcohol, pills and amphetamines, that hole "appeared" to dissipate. Substances gave me a false sense of security and confidence that I had searched for all of my life. As the addiction took hold, I began to lose myself, my family, my friends... but I couldn't see it; I couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel anything. The only thing I felt was sickness the next day, but even that was temporary- because I knew how to 'cure it'. And like that, another run was in place. I was malnourished, empty, and completely alone. But as long as I had my "medicine" nothing else mattered.

What happened?

I met a girl, that saw me withdrawing at work. She smiled at me, and said "you know you don't have to feel this way anymore." And I rolled my eyes, but reluctantly listened to her. She took me to my first meeting, and she was the leader. She told her story of her addiction and what the twelve steps did for her. For the first time in my life I didn't feel so alone. I cried for the first time in years, while I shivered and nodded, identifying with her story every step of the way. I didn't want to hide myself away anymore. I wanted to be alive, for once. So I picked up my first white chip.

What it is like now?

Today, I am a manager of a treatment center. I am a successful model and makeup artist- which is funny because for the longest time, I couldn't stop my hands from shaking. I am in the first healthy relationship I've ever been in. I have my own house, and a dog- and I have people that trust me. I now wake up every morning, grateful and so amazed. I have conquered my own disillusions, and I have become a woman of integrity and respect. I get to help young people find a new path. I get to share my experience, and hope I make someone feel the way I felt that first night- like they're not alone. I am confident that if I had not gotten sober, I would be dead. Life is difficult, and it can be utterly overwhelming... but my worst day sober is STILL better than my best day while I was high.

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