What it was like?

I was drinking to manage my mood, using drugs to help me focus and when it got too much I would blackout to shut myself down. I was living my own worst nightmare!

What happened?

One day age 19 I decided that I couldn’t handle life and I connected the dots - I didn’t have to - as long as I was drunk, I was okay. I was already an alcoholic but I remember that day well, I gave up and stopped caring about anything. Years down the line I was frantically trying to get my life together, had lots of help but substances kept pulling me back. Loads of bad stuff happened, It was life threatening, my behaviour was insane and I’m lucky to be here. I ended up isolating myself to continue my use, destroyed all my relationships and in that I had this moment of clarity - the drugs and booze stopped working suddenly and I felt the worst I’d ever felt. It didn’t matter what I put in my body after that, it didn’t change it. I didn’t think it was possible to feel that bad and it scares me. It was like the realisation that everything I was doing was wrong and I had lost or was losing everything that mattered to me. I think I came face to face with mortality and realised that everything I had was already temporary - and I was missing all of it.

What it is like now?

My worst day sober is better than my best day drunk. I no longer walk around with the same fears or attitudes that enabled me to use in the first place. I have a conscious contact with nature, I live in accordance with it - and experience everything good and bad for exactly what it is, no more or less. I no longer seek to control my thoughts, desires or the things around me, I focus on increasing my capacity to make reasoned choices, and foster acceptance and gratitude in my daily life. A year sober is the death and re-birth of a personality if you put the work in, and I’m fortunate to be guided by some very clever sober people. I owe them everything! I believe anyone can recover from mental illness with my simple program, good luck everyone!