Socializing Sober: Plans for Friends, Parties, and Nights Out

Original contributor's perspective, with selected editorial additions below.

There’s a common fear among those in early recovery that after becoming sober, they will no longer have a social life. Whether it’s going out with friends, after-work events, weddings, baseball games, or holiday get-togethers, we live in a culture where being around alcohol is hard to avoid.

For many, using alcohol was also the way to navigate these social settings. Anxious or nervous about meeting new people or large crowds? Pour a little liquid courage. Can’t dance? Have another glass of wine. Drinking served as a security blanket, a way to ease into uncomfortable situations without feeling self-conscious. Socializing in sobriety can be challenging at the beginning and it can be difficult to imagine a world where you’re able to make it through social gatherings without alcohol by your side.

While it’s normal to be apprehensive after making a major change like quitting drinking, being sober can actually improve the connections you make with others and allow you to have a more meaningful, richer social life.

I’ve highlighted below five common myths about being social and sober.

Everyone Drinks at Social Events.

While it may seem that everyone is drinking at social events, that’s usually not true. When you’re an active drinker, it’s easy to believe that you’d be the odd man out if you were sober on a Friday night. But that’s because you may have built your social circle around friends who share a similar lifestyle.

You Need to Drink to Have Fun.

Try this experiment: think about the last social event where you had a really great time. Was it because of the alcohol or because of the friends you spent time with and the connections you made? Now think about times you went out and had your night ruined. Alcohol is usually involved when this happens. How many times have you gotten sick after having one too many? How many nights do you have trouble remembering? Or those drinking episodes where you said something you later regretted? None of that sounds like fun.

You Can't Loosen Up Without a Drink

We believe we need alcohol to relax and ‘be ourselves’. Alcohol may feel like liquid armor, but when you consistently rely on drinking to be social, you’re not authentically you. To make real connections with other people, you need to be open, honest, and vulnerable. Give yourself permission to be yourself, with anxieties and insecurities and all.

Everyone Will Know I’m Not Drinking

You may be concerned you’ll face questions of why you’re not drinking that may feel like being interrogated under bright lights. But most people will not notice or care whether you’re drinking or not. If anyone asks, you don’t need to explain yourself. You can simply say, “I don’t drink” or “I don’t like how drinking makes me feel." Anyone that doesn’t respect your decision not to drink reflects on them, not you. True friends will understand and support you in your choice to stay sober.

I’m The Only One Who’s Apprehensive of Socializing in Sobriety.

It’s completely normal to be nervous when doing something for the first time. But there’s a growing number of groups and meetups, from kickball to cooking classes, that are built around sobriety. There are even sober bars popping up in major cities across the country where you can be social without the pressure of drinking. If you take some time to look, you’ll find your people.

Socializing in sobriety without alcohol can feel a little like getting your land legs after being at sea. After all, you might still be figuring out how to manage cravings to drink and creating healthy boundaries with friends that prioritize sobriety. You’re also still finding out who are you and what you want without drinking. For that reason, it’s important to be mindful not to rush into situations where alcohol is present too quickly.

But with time, you may find that socializing in sobriety isn’t so scary after all. Facing social situations without alcohol, along with the uncomfortable emotions that may come along, means you’re walking into your life with authenticity and confidence. And that can lead to better friendships and stronger connections with those around you.

Additional help from Sober Nation

The basic event plan

• Know your exit before you arrive. That might be your own car, a rideshare app already open, or a friend who agreed to leave when you do. If you drive yourself, that plan only works if you do not drink or use anything. Never drive after any alcohol or drug use or if you feel impaired for any reason; if plans change, arrange a sober ride, a taxi, or another safe way home.
• Get a drink in your hand early. Soda with lime, sparkling water, coffee. It heads off many offers before they start.
• Set a time. Leaving early, while the night is still pleasant, is a fine way to end it.
• Text one person. Someone who knows you are going and will answer if you need to step outside.
• Eat and rest first. Hunger and fatigue can make it harder to stick to a decision you made at home.

What to say when someone asks

Many people will not notice what is in your glass. For the ones who ask, a short answer works better than an explanation: "I'm not drinking tonight." "I'm driving." "I don't drink." You are not obligated to share a diagnosis or a story. If you want more options, see ways to decline a drink and what to say when people ask why you don't drink.

If someone keeps pushing, that tells you something about them, and it is a fine reason to move to another conversation or head home.

If the night goes wrong

If you drink or use at an event, do not drive. Get a sober ride or another safe way home, and tell someone that night or the next morning. One slip is a setback to learn from, not proof that you cannot do this. Our after a relapse guide covers the next 24 hours. If anyone at a party is unresponsive, breathing slowly, or cannot be woken, call 911 immediately. If you are in crisis yourself, call or text 988 in the US (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline).