What it was like?

Spent the better part of my 20s and 30s hitchhiking taking Jobs here and there but always coming back to Idaho and was constantly reminded by child support and visual markers why my heart ached so bad. I had to continue to fill it with alcohol and drugs. I had to impair my vision so I could concentrate on the only thing left in my life the only thing that would have me and inevitability the only thing I really loved. Hard truths just me and my addiction and the countless fires and sparks of a life once lived engulfing my desire to live a normal life

What happened?

I got tired. I got tired of the pain , the anger the frustration. I ended up at a homeless shelter in Raleigh North Carolina, hungry cold and tired. There was an alcohol and drug assishelter associated with the main shelter. People said it was a better place to stay, you just had to follow some rules and you could stay overnight on a Matt and be fed. I gave it a whirl. Eventually I made it into the “program” there and spent 6 months figuring out what my problems were. Probably the most defining moment I had there was when I had to speak with one of the social workers about my children. We spoke she asked about em I told her we talked some more eventually, she spoke up and in the middle of one of my sentences and said “ I guess you never really loved them” I stopped speaking and had to pause and try to keep my emotions in check although they were already pouring out if every noticeable part of body. Posture, facial and color all changing as she spoke those words. I forced my self to speak slowly and forcibly talking with just air passing over my voice box and out of my mouth. “I guess I didn’t”. Oh but God I did I really really did.

What it is like now?

I’ve had the same Job for 8 years, I’m a Supervisor at a milk production plant, I make 70,000 a year and my children have let me into there adult lives. My daughter calls and we have 2 hour conversations and my son wished me a Happy Father’s Day, something he has never done. I keep my eyes on the road and I let the God of my Understanding take care of the wheel. Mostly it’s peaceful it’s not everything it’s all things.

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