What it was like?

When I was younger I always felt different. A bundle of depression and anxiety. I started cutting when I was 11, depression got worse. When I was 13 I had my first sip of alcohol and my first black out in the same night. I woke up on the floor in my parents room, not remembering a single thing. I had hickeys all over my neck, no idea who they were from. I felt disgusting but that’s also where my self destructive behavior really took off.

What happened?

I did drugs from the time I was about 14-17. Mushrooms, acid, cocaine, OxyContin, ecstasy and of course always alcohol. I got clean of drugs when I was 17 but always still drank because I didn’t think of it as a problem. My dad died when I was 19 and that’s when I think my drinking really escalated.. but still never realized I had a problem. Until recently when I realized I was drinking 4-5 times a week, waking up wherever, passing out at work on the floor, taking taxis to different cities and ending up alone in a hotel room.

What it is like now?

Life is amazing now. I still struggle with my anxiety and depression but I have better tools to deal with it now. However I am prescribed benzodiazepines for my panic disorder and they are highly addictive. But I do not abuse them and I am very open about taking them to those close to me. Life is much better sober. I’ve found a love and strength inside myself I never knew I had and I’ve found a man who loves me like I didn’t know I could be loved.

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