What it was like?

I had tried for 30 years to get sober and make it stick. I went to my first meeting at the age of 16. When I was younger my drinking and drugging was chaotic and resulted in frequent stays in jail and hospitals as well as psychiatric facilities. I burned through people as fast as I burned through bottles of booze. As I got older I stopped getting involved in the crazy things I once did. But I still drank and still used. I would get sober when I was in danger of losing a job or a relationship. But it was never solid and had no foundation. So I would always relapse. My last stretch of using was 10 years of misery I carried with me everywhere I went. Never feeling close to anyone or feeling loved enough. I spent days and days thinking about suicide because it felt like I wasn't going to die from my use. I was going to live on and on in a sad hell. It never stopped and I couldn't stop.

What happened?

In 2007 I had a daughter. She was all I ever wanted in the world. And i would try to clean up or curtail for her. Ultimately I broke up with her mother when my daughter was 16 months old. Then a year later started an 8 year relationship. Ultimately that relationship ended because of my drink and drug use. She left saying "You're not here, why should I be?". And I didn't care. It just meant I could use unhindered. But it was a year later when as a 10 year old I realized my daughter was feeling some of the same things. When I had a moment of clarity and saw that I wasn't there for her either. Even if I was there physically. And I saw the hurt and damage that can do. I didn't know how or if it would work but I swore I would give it one last try.

What it is like now?

It is 180 degrees different! I am present. I am humble. I am aware. And I am human. People I don't know smile at me and speak to me. I have friendships. I know that I am not the center of the universe and that is such a relief! I got tired of carrying it all! And my daughter is my biggest fan! She gets excited about our time together. She tells people about me and brags to folks about her Daddy. I am learning peace and patience. And I am kind just because it feels so good to be. The world isn't a scary place I hide from anymore! If I had known that an earnest effort and humility would have worked this miracle I would have tried this a long time ago! But then again, I probably just wasn't ready to hear the message.

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