What it was like?

Being an Adoptee, I grew up fine and was well-known for being jovial. My first drunk was at 18, and in recent years the only time I felt I was truly happy was when I was drunk. On the outside I was usually happy and witty, but on the inside I was screaming, hurting and insecure.

What happened?

I thought I could manage things. 'Go hard or go home' was one of the things I secretly lived by. I got drunk for cheap and it always felt better than Christmas. I never stole from anyone but I sure did lie to the ones I loved and was in and out of self-harm. Here and there I was able to stay sober, but you wouldn't be able to tell if I was manipulating you or not incase I wanted to run back to my liquid escape. The only people I trusted was my best friend (who tried getting me into AA) and myself. Being in the state of oblivion felt like the only way to resolve everything I had ever been through, especially oblivion at family get-together's on the low. I felt I had every legitimate reason to lean on my liquid escape for support besides my brother and my best friend; from the drama that happened when I surfaced the truth about my orientation, to the success my older siblings had vs where I was at in life. At one point I managed to piece together almost 2 months sober, but succumbing to a mind-altering substance at a rave would change the game. Meanwhile I held a job just fine and maintained friendships just the same, especially at raves through giving plenty upon plenty of long-tight hugs. However, the more AA meetings I would actually attend the more I would push the program away. I was too afraid to work on myself because of one personal issue. Literally: One.

What it is like now?

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path." After narrowly missing my first and only DUI from blowing a .067, my mentality changed the last time I was drunk. I remember making a call to American Addiction Centers at 2:30am on July 19th, 2015. I knew that call would change my life, but I needed help more than I wanted it, and I WANTED it. I was 5 days sober when I walked into rehab for the first time, and I'm extremely grateful to say I have stayed sober. Since rehab and that phone call I made, I almost feel like I have learned more than I will ever. Not just about addiction, but life. I have gotten through hell and back. I have moved 10 times in 1 year, and then some. I have established countless upon countless upon countless true friendships and trusts in the rooms. Even though I haven't been home for quite some time, 99.99% of my friends where I'm at and have been are in recovery. I have chaired meetings which I am currently doing again. I have a homegroup that will always be my home away from home. I have an amazing Sponsorship family with Sponsor who has a Sponsor who has a Sponsor who has a Sponsor. Because of AA, I have dived as FAR DOWN into my heart as I can, and it has helped me to accept, face, and work on numerous things just as my Higher Power has helped me to do since November a year ago. I've been able to Sponsor now, and I don't see meetings as a non-alcohol related therapy session anymore. I am trusted more, my support system is brighter than the sun, and my best friend and I could not be closer.