What it was like?

Jan 22,2000;Drunk since New Years,staring into a mirror at a younger,weaker,broken and empty version of myself,I had a feeling that I had to do something different.I haven’t drank since. A few months into sobriety,suicidal and seeking hope,I listened to a man share that he was 20yrs sober and all I remember feeling was worry that in 20yrs the past might still be defining me and that I’d still be right there,weighed down by all of what I was trying to leave behind.He talked about things he did while drinking,why he drank and to me it seemed like he might’ve just spent the last 20yrs looking back at the person he used to be and never the one he became.I didn’t know this man and in hindsight I recognize that this meeting was probably just a small part of his day but it scared me to think sobriety meant forever feeling and reliving all that left me so sad,lost and regretful. Again,I felt like I had to do something different.

What happened?

Over the years I’ve seen that,“Something different” spiral out in so many ways and bring out of me so many approaches,abilities and interests that became not just how I stayed sober but then reasons to.All this writing,soul searching,training,limit pushing,growing,deliberate avoidance of any feeling that I’m at all complete or finished and even sometimes just because someone said I couldn’t has all got and kept me here.

What it is like now?

There were plenty of dark days,I won’t now pretend it was all easy or even planned but by following instinct,finding passions and allowing myself to learn,change and be redefined by action instead of sitting still with the sole label I once had I’ve seen this sober life evolve.Time has helped me to see struggle as strength,loss as examples of what could’ve been and all this self-assessing,evaluating and testing myself has given me a full life,brought me an unimaginable wife and family and leaves me grateful for so much that just wouldn’t be without sobriety.

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