Sober Since: 06 / 14 / 2018
Sober For: 4 Years & 171 Days
What it was like?
Drinking was my crutch to get by life and at the same time the biggest destroyer of everything. I couldn't talk, work, speak, socialize at all without it from practically the moment I touched it. Well before I was even of legal age, I was obsessed and dependent on drinking to get by. It gave me a false sense of being normal and like everyone else around me, numbed the self hatred and paranoia, the lingering fear. With that though, came the embarassment, the shame and guilt for awful actions and ways of living. The blackouts, the anger, the jealously. If I wasn't crying and praying to die somehow, I was waking up in a hospital with stab wounds from bursts of anger. I went through more jobs in a week than most people go through in their lives. Everything got in the way of drinking. It was my sick, toxic, twisted partner in life. And though I knew it was going to kill me and ruin everything even more, I accepted that. To me, I was an alcoholic and meant to drink everyday until I die alone.
My life passed me by. I threw over 12+ years of my life out the window living a facade, a fake life. It was an absolutely disastrous joke. I threw amazing relationships out the window, disregarded family and everything about life besides drinking. I swore I'd always just drink and never fall into drugs, and I did. The attempts of suicide increased, the willingness to even walk out my front door was gone. I had no choice but to go to a rehab but had every intention of leaving it and fleeing. The goal was to get a hotel room and use away until money was gone, then finally at last kill myself. I've lost count of how many rehabs and detoxes I've been to, but something about this one just clicked. I found hope and potential. I met good people and saw some light. I was skeptical as I'd done this so many times before, but it felt legitimate. I saw the hurt and worry in my family and knee I was killing them not just myself. That was 3 years ago and I'm still going strong.
What it is like now?
I became a first time homeowner, I've gotten raises and promotions at my job, I've rescued an amazing pitbull that keeps me company and motivated. I've had my losses, my disappointments and hurt. I've lost good people to addiction and buried them. But I kept going and i keep going. Its too late to turn back now, there's just no excuse. I give my family peace of mind and a night's sleep without worrying about me. I feel their genuine appreciation and support and proud vibes and can show up to help or offer a hand now and smile as well. I don't worry about fitting in anymore, or being weird or not good enough or good looking enough or muscular enough. My life isn't fast paced, I don't run marathons or climb mountains and jump over volcanoes. Most times I lay around watching cheesy horror movies with my dog when I'm not working or listen to music trying to write. And you know what? As simple and boring as that may be, it's a damn blessing and joyride of excitement to me. I'm happy with me in my own skin. I'm confident enough, independent enough but also know I need to respect the good friends who stood by me. The bottom line? I have arrived, Cory finally is being Cory. Survive yourself. If I can, you can.