What it was like?

I lost myself. The once outgoing, social, confident and curious man that I once was had totally disappeared. I felt as if I had no reason to wake up in the morning and generally no purpose at all to be alive. Being alive became somewhat of an obligation. The idea of falling asleep excited me because that gave me time to not be awake and have to worry about another day. That was if I was lucky enough to even fall asleep. Everything became unmanageable from work to family and friends and quite frankly I didn't really care for anything anymore.

What happened?

I woke up one afternoon and I had no idea what was going on. I didn't know what day it was, what time it was, the last time I had been awake, the last time I had worked or the last time I had spoken to a single soul, may that be a friend, a colleague or more importantly a family member. I had never in my life been afraid of myself and I suddenly found myself not being able to look in the mirror. My body was shutting down and my head and my heart were going with it. Suicide had never crossed my mind before until I began asking myself questions in my own head. What is the fastest and easiest way? How can I do it so it wont hurt? Who will really be there in the end? This was my rock bottom and it hurt. Alot. I reached out to my best friend, my sister. She got me back home in Ontario and after a few days of hiding in her house I moved up north and began 60 days of treatment. I look back now and as hard as the withdrawl from years and years of heavy drug and alcohol use was, I am alive and I wouldnt trade that for anything. The lifestyle I was living still is very fresh and appealing to me. I can look at it now though and understand that the way I was coping and the things I was doing were only temporary. I was playing a long game of russian roulette and my time was coming to an end very soon.

What it is like now?

It is the hardest and longest challenge I have ever been faced with in my entire life. Everyday seems to become more and more difficult, the cravings are extremely present, my anxiety is through the roof and I constantly fear simply the fear of the unknown. I arrived home on April 1, 2017 after my original 60 days of recovery. I managed to last 68 days in total clean and sober. Upon arrival to my hometown I didnt necessarily set up a plan for myself specifically regarding how to face the oppertunity to use if it is presented infront of me. I was bored, honestly just bored, thats it. In my opinion, boredom is the scariest and most dangerous word there is out there. If you are an addict, boredom will lead to ultimatley using again. I ran out of tricks to distract myself and I was back on the drinking wagon in no time. Drugs, cocaine specifically, and the affect they had on me kind of just fizzled away but the alcohol and the urge to drink it was so incredibly strong. I ended up coming back to treatment which was the healthiest and wisest decision to make at the time. A close friend of mine whom I had actually met and spent 58 days of my 60 in recovery with was the reason I grew the strengh and courage to make the call to come back. Her name was Amanda, she became my person. Unfortunatly I lost her 2 weeks ago due to an overdose. The weeks before that incident and now the following days after which are turning into weeks are catching up to me. I am going through the biggest transition I have ever had to go through. I am starting a new job, I am living in a new town, I am dealing with grieving of a friend and being away from my family and my friends, sleeping and eating has becoime foreign to me, I have become an outlet for a few others who are relapsing, the list seems to be going on and on latley. The hardest part about dealing with all of these changes is that I must stay sober while doing it all. I am in a rut, I am sad, I am depressed, I am angry but I have not lost hope. I have alot of people in my life that are gunning for me and when I look towards the future majority of the time I see a happy and successful life. So what is it like now? To be honest it isnt much better, but this time I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel. The journey is long and it is hard, I understand that totally. I am a very impatient individual and I am trying my best to take it day by day. I can see the beauty in myself now. I know what I have to offer, I know what I want to do and I know who loves me and who to share that love back to. I love people and my desire to explore the world is so strong. I am grateful that yes I may have lost a few people and things along the way, but I have not lost it all yet. As long as I stay clean and sober, the future only looks brighter.

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