Nov 27, 2011 | By Tim Stoddart

I’m addicted to EVERYTHING!

Personal Addiction Recovery Stories

I’m nearly three years clean and sober. I have two beautiful little girls who love their Daddy very much and a fiancé’ who has been there for me since day one. I work two jobs and have settled my family into a nice neighborhood along the shore in Connecticut. I attend meetings on a regular basis and always keep my sobriety as the top priority in my life because without it, I could lose everything that I have gained in my ongoing road to recovery. No longer do I tell lies, keep secrets, or hold resentments. I’ve become an honest, humbled individual and easily go out of my way to help others with a drop of a hat. I’ve grown spiritually, emotionally, and mentally – but still have a lot of growing up to do. I beat myself up on a regular basis. Basically, I am my own worst enemy and the following story that I am about to tell proves just that.

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I have never been much of a gambler. I’m no cheapskate but can be frugal when it comes to spending money on things that are not necessary and throwing cash away at slot machines has never interested me much. However, I occasionally take a trip or two to the casino for entertainment purposes such as concerts, boxing fights, or any other type of event that is being held. When I was about a year into my sobriety, I took a trip to the casino with my fiancé’, Sarah, and a couple of friends of ours. Although this was our first time gambling together, Sarah forewarned me. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to gamble. I’m worried.” She said, with that same old look of concern. “Everything will be fine. I’m too cheap to adapt a gambling addiction.”

We had all gotten together for dinner at the casino and found ourselves with some extra time to spare and made a group agreement to play some slots. We all lined up and sat together at the penny slot machines and were having a good time with no issues. My wallet was stuffed with twenty dollar bills as I had a busy day at the barber shop where I work a day prior. I believe I had about two hundred dollars on me and I tossed Sarah a twenty when we started playing and she paid minimal attention as to how much money I was inserting into the machine. My friend, Alice, was sitting right next to me and screaming with excitement. “I just won two hundred bucks! Yes!” I smiled and acted happy for her although I was extremely jealous. I was losing, she was winning. I frustratingly stuffed more money into the machine feeling as if I was losing the money faster than I was putting it in, if that makes any sense.

Alice kept on winning and I kept on losing. I started to bite my nails and smoke vigorously, stuffing more and more money into the machine simultaneously as I chewed and puffed. A half hour or so had passed and everyone was done playing except me. “Come on honey, we are all done.” Sarah said to me sweetly, knowing of my frustration. “Just one more twenty.” I said. She patted my back a bit and said “let’s go.” I reached into my wallet and pulled out my last twenty dollar bill. I had burned through nearly two hundred dollars with a half hour and I felt awful about it. “I need to win the money back. I’m getting lucky, I can feel it.” I plead to Sarah. “Let’s go! You played enough!” She shouted and attempted to pry me away from the machine, physically. I looked at her straight in the eyes. “Let me play this last twenty or I’m not leaving, I’m serious.” I said to her, breathing heavily and angrily.

She gave me that old sad look on her face that I hadn’t seen from her since my drinking and drugging days and it quickly broke me out of my haze. “I’m so sorry.” I said to her and got up and left with the bunch. We walked together chatting about what had happened and I discreetly wiped a few tears from my eyes as we walked. “I can’t even gamble. I can’t do anything, I’m addicted to EVERYTHING.” I complained. Sarah comforted me, as only she could, and I spent the remainder of the night at home, in a funk. I kept beating myself up about what had happened. I acted crazy and burned through all of my hard earned cash. I could have used that money for diapers, formula, or hell, a new video game. I’m so stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I’ll never gamble again.

I didn’t gamble for about a year but when I did it was more of a social thing with my cousin. We would grab something to eat, have a coffee, and then spend a half hour or so playing some slots. I never felt that crazy feeling that I had felt that day with Sarah and friends. Therefore I didn’t feel as if I had a problem gambling. I knew that it was a possibility, but my addictions are drugs and alcohol, not slot machines. Last month Sarah’s parents took the kids for the day. Sarah and I rarely get  time to ourselves and I wanted to make best of our alone time together. She wanted to clean the house and go grocery shopping. I had a better idea.

After much pleading, and a foot rub, we headed to the casino. We ate lunch and walked around a bit before planting ourselves in front of two Yahtzee slot machines. We each tossed in a twenty and enjoyed playing the game together. Something was different this time though. I was actually winning. It started with a few thirty dollar wins and then a two hundred dollar win. “I’m not leaving this machine.” I said to Sarah and she agreed totally. I mean, why leave? I was winning. Sarah eventually grew bored and took a walk to the shops nearby. Then it happened. I won big. The lights flashed and the machine rang loudly as a crowd of people quickly surrounded me as if I was a God. “You won fifty thousand dollars!’ This lady next to me screamed. I jumped up and down in celebration and quickly called Sarah. “Fifty thousand dollars!” I shouted with a smile.

“What?! What?! Oh my God!” Sarah screamed in amazement. Then another lady next to me shouted, “That’s five thousand dollars, not fifty!” I was bummed when I realized that I’d “only” won five thousand dollars but still excited about the big win. There I sat, in amazement, as a gentleman from the casino placed a stack of one hundred dollar bills into my palm. I gave Sarah two hundred dollars to go shopping as I played more slots. I wanted to win that fifty thousand dollars! I just couldn’t stop and I didn’t know why. We left shortly after and picked up our daughters. I dropped nearly a thousand dollars at the mall that night on Christmas presents for my girls. I was happy that this miracle arrived around Christmas time, as we were struggling financially.

I paid numerous bills, bought the kids gifts on a daily basis, bought a new computer, video games, tattoos, and the list goes on and on. My bank account was still larger than usual and I was happy that the majority of the money went to Sarah and my daughters as I always feel guilty when I’m spending money on myself. This thought in my mind kept floating around on a day-to-day basis. What if I went back and won even MORE money? My sick thinking was coming back and it was scaring me. I went to meetings but didn’t tell anyone about what was going on. I kept it inside my head and was plotting for a time to make a quick run to the casino. A week went by and I was itching to go back so badly but I just didn’t come across a chance to go with my busy life. It was a Sunday afternoon and Sarah and I had gotten into a small argument. My addict mentality hit full force and I hopped in the car and headed to the casino with a thousand dollars in my bank account.

I promised myself, in my head, that I would only spend two hundred dollars, tops. I sat at the same Yahtzee machine that I had won on and played like a mad man. I told every single person that sat down next to me how much money I won from that very machine a week prior. I smoked and drank caffeine like a crazy person and stuffed money into that machine nonstop until I burned through a hundred dollars. I raced to the ATM and pulled out another hundred. Burned through it quicker than the first. Back to the ATM. Back to an empty voucher. The  cycle continued until I realized what I had done. I’d burned through five hundred dollars. I held my head down in shame and left the casino. I was a beaten man. I’d tested myself and lost. I can’t drink safely. I can’t use drugs safely and I cannot gamble safely.

I went straight home that night and told Sarah everything. I could have easily hid what had happened but that type of behavior is no longer a part of me. I’m an addict with an addict mind and an addict mentality. I am not perfect and I’m definitely no saint. Although I try to be a better person, a better father and spouse on a day-to-day basis. Anything in excess is not good. We all know that. I’ve battled with everything from food and sex addiction to drug, alcohol, and video game addiction. Like I said, I still have a lot of growing up to do. Unfortunately I’m still a sick person, but I’m getting better. The old me would have hung onto this new found gambling addiction and ran with it. But now I care about the consequences in my life and am aware of what is bound to happen if I go back to my addict ways. Today I am grateful.

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