Mar 15, 2016 | By Tim Powers

6 Ways to Avoid Manipulation By An Addict

Addiction Resources Family Resources for Addiction

6 Ways to Avoid Manipulation

It has been often said around the tables of 12-step meetings that addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful. For those who are caught in the vice grip of a substance abuse problem, the influence of drugs and alcohol overtakes their logic and way of living–and they eventually become a shadow of their former self. Full-blown addicts adopt the unspoken mantra of by any means necessary, and they will do whatever it takes to keep their addiction alive–even if it means hurting the ones they love most.

If you have fallen victim to an addict’s manipulative ways, you have no doubt felt angry, betrayed and even humiliated. One of the ways you can take the power back in a relationship and start momentum towards helping the addict face their consequences of addiction in a healthy way is to find ways to avoid being played. The following are 6 ways to avoid manipulation by an addict.

Realize That You Have Basic Human Rights

The most important way to avoid manipulation is to understand that you as a human being have basic human rights, and you have the power to tell those who try to manipulate you they are violating those rights. As long as you do not harm others, you have the right to stand up for yourself and defend your rights. The following are some examples of your basic human rights:

  • You have the right to be treated with respect.
  • You have the right to express your feelings, opinions and wants.
  • You have the right to say «no» without feeling guilty
  • You have the right to take care of and protect yourself from being threatened physically, mentally or emotionally.

For those who are active in their addiction, the first thing they will attempt is to attack these basic rights in order to get what they want. It is important to realize that YOU are in charge of what you say, feel and be and not them.

Keep Your Distance

Another one of the important ways to avoid manipulation by an addict is to separate yourself and avoid engaging them except in situations where it is absolutely necessary. The addict can wear many faces depending on who they contact. While all people engage in social differentiation to a certain degree depending on who they are communicating with, addicts are very extreme in this differentiation. Addicts can be extraordinarily polite and charming to one individual, then can turn on a dime and can be completely rude to another person. If you observe this kind of behavior from an addicted friend or loved one, it is important to keep a healthy separation and realize that you are not responsible for their happiness or well-being.

Focus the Spotlight on Them

Master manipulators often will request you to do things for them that are unreasonable and will enable them to continue engaging in their addictive behavior. When you hear an unreasonable request, one of the important ways you can avoid manipulation is to put the focus back on the manipulator by asking a few probing questions. These questions are meant to put the proverbial mirror in front of the addict’s face in hopes they realize that what they are asking is inappropriate. You can ask questions such as the following:

  • What do I get out of this?
  • Are you really expecting me to do this?
  • Do I have a say in this?
  • Does this sound reasonable to you?

If the addict who is being manipulative has any degree of self-awareness, they will eventually see their requests for help or assistance are indeed reasonable. In the event that the person trying to manipulate you doesn’t see this, you need to continue to employ measures to keep your power and rights intact.

Time is on Your Side

Addicts want things right now, and they don’t want to wait. Whether it is your money, the use of your vehicle or the use of their phone, the addict will pressure you into a decision right away. In order to leverage power back to your side, all you need to do is utter the following words:

I will think about it.

When you give yourself time, you can carefully weigh the pros and cons and you have time to come up with a compromise that won’t leave you in a situation where you lack power.

Learn How To Say No in a Nice Way

Another one of the important ways to avoid manipulation by an addict is having the ability to say NO in a way which is respectful. When you are able to say NO in this manner, you are clearly stating your boundaries and standing your ground while leaving the door open to hopefully work out a more equitable solution that benefits both parties. Being able to say no is one of the important basic rights you have as a human being.

Avoid Self-Blame

One of the most damaging things that an addict can do to manipulate you in to exploit your weaknesses and hit you below the belt. Everyone has areas in their lives where they feel inadequate, and the addict focuses in on those areas in order to put you in a vulnerable situation. To avoid this hurtful situation, you must keep in mind that you are not the problem. The addict is trying to manipulate you to feel bad about yourself, and if you feel bad about yourself you are more likely to surrender your power and give in to their demands.

In these situations, you must ask yourself if you are being treated with genuine respect. You must also determine if the “giving” in the relationship is one way or is going both ways. Your answers to questions such as these will shed light into the addict’s true motivations.

17 responses to “6 Ways to Avoid Manipulation By An Addict”

  • Deborah Morley

    8 years ago

    Reply

    Hi, I live in N.H been clean since 2001 and i love my life i now have realationships with family,my children have children my grandaughters- they mean the world to me and i know if i use i will hurt a lot of people-i love this program works if you let it and god never gives u more than u can handle

  • Ken

    8 years ago

    Reply

    I like the advice in this piece but not the tone or the title. This is good advice for anyone dealing with a manipulative person, but I disagree addicts are inherently more manipulative than any other population. I think true “enabling” is actually quite rare but I do see the fear of being an “enabler” lead parents and family to take actions that do more damage than the addiction ever could on its own.

    Remembering in all dealings that you are a human being with the right to be safe is a good baseline for all human interaction.

    Ken
    Greysrecovery.blogspot.com

    • Kim

      8 years ago

      Reply

      I have to disagree. I see manipulation in most addicts. And not just a little bit. And enabling is rampant. Enabling can be lots of things. It doesnt necessarily mean to go out and buy the drugs. Its giving money for anything that the person either uses for drugs or uses for something else that frees their money up to use on drugs. Its helping in any way that keeps the addict from having to deal with “natural” consequences from drug use. Letting the addict live free in your house, bailing out of jail. MAny more that i cant think of right now. It doesnt make the addict or the enabler BAD people. Just people that need help.

      • Kim

        8 years ago

        Reply

        I agree. I think many parents dont understand enabling at all. They think that it is buying the drugs and giving it to the addict. Idk if they believe this because they cant bear the thought of being an enabler or what. Just own it people. YOU ARE AN ENABLER!!

        • Just Me

          8 years ago

          Reply

          Kim, you’re right, parents don’t understand enabling. Probably because they are under so much pressure to do EVERYTHING IN THEIR POWER to shield their child from any kind of adversity that they enable without realizing it. From what I’ve seen, it’s worse today than it was in years past. God forbid, they were to throw their flesh and blood out on the street, when in reality, spending a few nights under a bridge, or in jail, might be the catalyst for getting them into rehab. But then you’d have the neighbors and anyone else with a mouth and an opinion saying, “my God, what kind of parent are you?”

  • Cassandra Dawson

    8 years ago

    Reply

    Just want to say it took me a very long time to be able to do these things. I am sure had a read an article like this when my husband’s addiction got really bad it would have helped. Thank you for writing this, I am sure it will help anyone who is in the situation and doesn’t know how to handle it or what to do. It took me 8 years to finally understand it wasn’t my fault. And congrats on your own sobriety!!

  • Heidi

    8 years ago

    Reply

    Great advice, and I can really appreciate this. Funny how this applies to a former addict, too. The manipulative thinking and behavior is often still there and he’s unaware until pressed to check his motives.

    • Lee

      8 years ago

      Reply

      So true. I live with a recovering addict , he has been clean for 20 yrs, however the behavior is there and he is very much manipulator ! ..it will always be the way unless addicts stay in A program and work the program in every day life! Even when I tell him to check himself he rationalized everything!

  • Heidi A Page

    8 years ago

    Reply

    This was extremely helpful! Simple but easily forgotten when in the situation! Thank you!

  • Sao

    8 years ago

    Reply

    I’m an addict in recovery and now my husband is the active addict in the couple-that-is-not-a-couple-anymore.
    I’ve had to do all the things you listed – and it was hard and painful, but I’m getting back my freedom, though not completely yet.
    The worst part has been, and still is, knowing that I’m helpless about his entering in recovery if he’s not willing to.
    Great article, thanks.

  • Christy mcmullen

    8 years ago

    Reply

    It’s all very true. Great read. But what do you do when it’s a family member .?

    • Kim

      8 years ago

      Reply

      If possible, find a therapist. For yourself. And for the addict if they agree. If no insurance then you can find help with support groups like Naranon, alanon, coda.

  • Vitaliy Moskalenko

    7 years ago

    Reply

    Good article. I’m a recovering addict and even tough I was only addicted for 1 & half years it still took a toll on me. It’s fun and cool until you start looking stuff. I never thought that i would know what ROCK BOTTOM was like but now I do. All the fun and games are not worth it… The biggest problem is that rehab is so expensive even with health insurance that’s why I feel most addicts would rather continue their habit. It almost seems like society condemns addicts but doesn’t offer them a way to get clean, because everyone is different, a rehab program that works for me may not work for someone else. If America really wants to slow down this drug epidemic, then companies should stop spend thousands of dollars just to advertise on tv and offer a low cost solution where addicts can come for help and pay for their treatment in ways such as community service, or working for that company once they’re recovered. We are all people and we CAN ALL MAKE A DIFFERENCE instead just sitting and talking about it while people die from this disease.

  • Michelle

    7 years ago

    Reply

    I am dealing with my son He is an alcholic. I have tried to get him to go to several rehab places but refuses. He is very manipulative and can get so mean if he dosnt get what he wants. I end up in tears and give in to keep the peace. I have lost my own identity i had to move out of state to get away from him. He later moved to the same state. I wont tell him where i live. He is now on the streets and fill sick. But if i take him in it will start all over again. I fill if something happens to him in will carry the guilt

  • Ann

    7 years ago

    Reply

    Thank you for honest advice. I needed to hear this. Small typo under Focus Spotlight section – it appears last paragraph should read, “requests for help and assistance are indeed UNreasonable”, not “reasonable”. Thanks again for your wise words.

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