In my past life, I was an egotistical maniac. Each day, I would slowly loosen the bolts on bridges instead of burning them. I was a low-key sketch-ball. When it came to men I was flirtatious and narcissistic with ulterior-motives who would burn you and then leave you in the dust. According to society, a twenty-something, young, successful woman shouldn’t be alcoholic or an addict, right? Men were addicts, not me. I lacked emotional balance and had secret competitions with any girl that threatened my “game.” But, each morning I was disconcerted with the night before. Who did I text? Where did I make a fool of myself? On the outside, I was chic, sophisticated, and thriving. However, on the inside I was a shell of a person.
As I reached the epoch of my sobriety, I became scared. How was I going to get by without cutting corners and manipulating those around me? How was I going to climb the societal and corporate ladder while being a sober woman? I envisioned life as glum and mundane – going to my sub-par job in a cream-colored pantsuit and stale ponytail while coming home to my ten cats and cooking from my crock-pot – just to do it over again the next day. To me, it was a nightmare. Where would my “spice” of life come from? Would I be pretty enough, interesting enough, and cool enough for everyone around me? Alcohol had been my refuge, my crutch to achieve what I couldn’t while sober, and my fearless accomplice in times of trouble and melancholy.
Today, as a thriving woman in sobriety and society – there are many lessons I’ve come to learn over time:
I Know Who I Am
I’m a constellation of scars and bruises. I’ve been broken and beat down but that makes me exactly who I am. I’m a person full of clandestine ramblings. I can be quirky and spontaneous. I’m stitched with fears, big dreams, old-school 90’s music, and 11:11 wishes. I’m cautious and careless at the same time and still make tons of mistakes but have come to love this life I live. Through trials, tribulations and through sobriety I’ve come to realize exactly who I am, and no, I’m not going to change that.
I’ve Learned Self-Respect
I used to constantly walk around beating myself up. “You’re not good enough. You’re too damaged to amount to anything.” Those are powerful thoughts. Through a thorough self-examination and by taking responsibility for my life I’ve learned to see my own failures as a form of success. Today, I teach people how to treat me by treating myself well. I finally had to give up and “put the bat down,” that I was killing myself with.
I Seize Opportunities
In my addiction, I used to manipulate opportunity because I was drunk most of the time. I feared missing it because I lived in a constant state of chasing the next big “thing.” I screwed people over and toyed with my own luck. I thought the world owed me something, when in fact it didn’t owe me a damn thing. I quickly learned that nobody else is going to pave the way for me except myself.
I Am Worth Recovery
It took many relapses and headaches to believe that I am worth recovery. My addiction had me thinking I was nothing but a “junkie” or an alcoholic. At a point in my life I actually believed that. Through introspection, many therapy sessions, and other’s around me, I don’t have those self-defeating thoughts anymore.
I Don’t Need Anyone To Save Me
I’m not a wounded bird, nor a damsel in distress. I’m not looking for someone to sweep my off my feet, because I still have a lot to accomplish on my own. I was a ply, dishonest and scheming person once, so today I can fight my own battles and take responsibility of my actions.
I Don’t Need Anyone’s Approval
Today, I’m no longer dependent on anybody’s validation of my actions. I don’t have to find my worth in someone else’s thoughts or opinions about what I should look like, what I should do, nor who I should be. My worth is an inside job and I’ve wasted much time throughout my life trying to conform to other’s standards. I have experienced true happiness. I do thing’s that make me fulfill me and simply do not care what other’s think.
I Have The Best Of Friends
In sobriety, I’ve come to have the best, most caring and genuine friendships I could have never imagined. When I was using, it was very clear to me who my friends were – the ones who would provide what I wanted. I also had issues with women – they were threats to me. However, today, I have the most incredible women in my life. We laugh until we cry, and cry on each other when we’re heartbroken. We go to music festivals, have bonfires, and go skydiving together. We are anything but boring.
Nobody Can Take My Sobriety Away From Me
Except me. I truly began to understand myself only after I destroyed myself. Today, I am a liberated walking and living prayer. I try to make each day better than it was the day before. Sure, I had a good amount of fun in my drinking career, however, it was also terrible and can’t amount to the life that I have now. I’ve worked tirelessly to create this life I have and nobody except myself can take away what I have worked for.